the latest reason why i am going to hell
Two blogs entries in two days - crazy, I know!
This one will be quick.
Here’s the latest reason why I am going to hell:
My sister, Meg, had a doctor’s appointment and they warned her that it would be an unusually long wait since it was the week before the holidays. I offered to go with her to keep her company, catch-up, chit-chat, etc. When we walked into the crowded waiting room, we immediately heard this grunting noise and discovered that there was a person in the waiting room who was in a wheelchair and must have that same illness that “TIM-MEH!” has on South Park. I’m not sure what that illness is. But I’d like to first say that I am a kind and compassionate person and, despite my disparaging comments on carnivores in my last blog entry, I love all humankind and never want to see anyone suffer and wish for nothing more than love and health and peace throughout the world. And please don’t hate me or think I’m a terrible person. Here’s what happened.
Ok, so we see this person and hear the loud “grunt, grunt. GRUNT! grunt grunt!” which seemed to be a constant thing and knowing that we will be waiting about 45 minutes, I say “Meg, I can’t do this.” She agrees but we decide to stick it out and try to find chairs way on the other side of the waiting room because as you may already know - I love all of humankind, but I have a hard time controlling my facial expressions and I have a staring problem. Not that I was laughing or making fun - that was NOT the kind of reaction I was having AT ALL. But sometimes I just stare and mimic other people’s faces without realizing it and I have no idea why. Or what I’m thinking is very clear by the look on my face and I can’t help it. “Grunt! grunt grunt grunt! GRUNT!” This was going to be disastrous.
But then it occurred to me: I know this noise. “grunt grunt” It is very familiar. This is going to drive me crazy! I asked Meg if she knew the noise, but she did not. “Grunt! grunt!” Every 5 minutes of endless grunting passed and I’d whisper in exasperation - “I know this! What is this noise!” “GRUNT!” It’s from a cartoon. Was it an animal on South Park? No. Was it something from the Simpsons? “GRUNT! grunt grunt!” no. Family Guy? no. Ugh! I can’t stand it! I need to remember! “Grunt! grunt grunt!” FINALLY! 30 minutes later. The lightbulb! “Grunt grunt grunt!” I say, a little too loudly “Oh my god. It’s BEAVIS AND BUTTHEAD!”…and the door to hell creaked open ever so slightly wider. Gasp! Did I just say that? Three women in my vicinity bored holes in my skull with their glaring eyeballs of disgust. Yeah I guess I said that. I instinctively put a hand to my mouth, closed my eyes and said quietly “I’m going right to hell.” I tried to recover by moving the hand down to my heart and saying loudly to Meg, who was dumbstruck and embarrassed for me, (and highly entertained I think) “But really, it’s just so sad! I mean, God bless! And that caregiver! Tsk! Oh!” Too late. Damage done. Satan is clearing a spot on the sofa for me now, right next to Beavis and Butthead (who make me homicidal, by the way. I HATE that show.)
Seriously, I am NOT making fun of this person in the wheelchair. At all. They showed more dignity than I did. I am making fun of myself for being an idiot who has a staring problem and can’t compose herself in a doctor’s waiting room for all of 30 minutes, and whose uncontrolled facial expressions and outbursts are going to get her beaten up one day.
But I will say this - as far as the people within my proximity are concerned - all they heard from me was “Oh my god. It’s Beavis and Butthead!” If they deduced what I was referring to - then (a) I was right and (b) they knew it and agreed. That had better be a big sofa, that’s all I’m sayin’.
