coyotes and robbers and construction workers, oh my!
(Sunny and 68)
Ok I seriously need to relax. I am not in New York City anymore. I’m still in my state of readiness to do battle at a moments’ notice (meanwhile - “battle” for me is more like flailing my arms, screaming and running at any sign of danger, but that’s besides the point.) As my sister and I simultaneously suggested last week - we get our paranoia from our dad. The man kept a 9mm handgun under his bed during our childhood and swore that people were going to unhitch our camper as we drove through the bronx on our way upstate to go camping - who wouldn’t develop a bit of a nervous vibe? As I stated before, my new community has a pretty low crime rate compared to NYC, so I CAN actually relax. But will I? It remains to be seen. Here are some examples:
1. We live on the edge of a nature preserve/canyon that is supposedly full of wildlife - including, bunnies, falcons, skunks, snakes, bobcats, and coyotes. The coyotes are what worry me the most because they are smart and will learn your dog walking schedule and will wait for you and attack your dog. It’s been known to happen. I’m extra nervous about coyotes. One sunny afternoon, I was out walking Milhous and this big canine animal comes running towards us, so I immediately think “Coyote!!” and I snatch up Milhous, which makes him really mad because he’s ready for anything and I just made him look like a fool - not to mention myself because here comes this ferocious “coyote” with a pretty sparkly collar and a friendly wagging tail! In the middle of the day. Meanwhile…her name is Bambi, and she’s a shepherd mix who loves little dogs but is scared of people, her owner informs me. And now every time Milhous sees her, he’s extra bully-ish because of how I emasculated him at their first meeting.
2. One day, I decided to be brave and leave the door unlocked while walking Milhous, only to return and find the door LOCKED! And I was home alone. My first thought was NOT that Emil must have come home, not realized I was out with the dog, locked the door behind him, and promptly went to the bathroom where he was unable to hear me knocking or do anything about it anyway for a few minutes - but that ROBBERS must have coincidentally been right there when I left the apartment 5 minutes before, saw that I didn’t lock the door, went inside and locked me out so that they would have plenty of time to steal my purse, which is the only thing IN our apartment right now. And because locking themselves IN is the smart thing for robbers to do anyhow. I am a retard. And to make matters worse, when no one came to the door after I rang the bell ( only robbers wouldn’t come to the door, not a husband who is otherwise…detained) - I walk across the street to the neighbor who was working in his garage and say nervously “Did you see anyone go into my apartment?!” He’s like - “Uh, no?” I said “Oh my god - I was walking the dog and I left the door unlocked and NOW IT’S LOCKED!” He said “Is your husband home?” I said “No, he’s out!” My neighbor looked startled too - because what maniac is going around the complex locking themselves in people’s apartments? He grabs his baby and we go walking over only to have Emil open the door and say “Hi!” I can honestly say I was shocked. I was so into the robbers thing that I could not believe it would be Emil who locked me out. I had to look at the neighbor all sheepish and say “hee hee - oh, he’s home!” Mortified. I was so embarrassed. To save face, I had to yell at Emil as we walked into the apartment loud enough for the neighbor to hear.
3. One late night, we were almost out of gas and would need to stop along the 5 freeway. We don’t know the areas very well. I decided that the navigation systems should post the crime rates of all the neighborhoods that you pass through - because they all sound nice, but you have no idea if they are. Wouldn’t that be handy? Anyway - we stop at a station right off the freeway. We don’t know where we are, but there are plenty of people also there to get gas, which makes me all the more nervous. More people to car-jack us, shoot us, shoot at each other and miss and hit us, etc. And who knows if these people have enemies who might do a drive-by at this very moment? This is how my mind works when I’m in paranoia mode. Nothing is too outlandish. So what do I do? The smart thing: I lock the door the second Emil is out of the car, I study each and every person coming and going from the gas station (for the police sketch later), I keep my eye on Emil and his whereabouts at all times and who is looking at him, and when he is returning to the car, I wait until his hand is within 3 inches of the door before unlocking it and keep my finger on the lock button ready for the second he shuts the door. He sees my finger, rolls his eyes, and doesn’t shut the door. He just looks at me with the door dangerously ajar! Is he nuts?! What game is he trying to play?! “Just get in here and shut the door!” I hiss. He sighs and slowly closes the door - LOCK! “Let’s go!” I say. Once we are safely on the freeway, I ask “Don’t you ever get nervous about your surroundings?” “No.” he replies. “What?! NOOO?! You don’t ever get nervous that someone is going to mug you or steal your car or beat you up?” “No.” he repeats. “……..Well that’s just stupid!” I state.
Stupid? He’s not the one thinking that robbers are locking themselves in his apartment and that sparkly-collared coyotes are out for an afternoon Milhous snack. While I think it’s smart to be aware of potential danger and protect oneself accordingly - I need to get a grip. This is why I wasn’t a good match for NYC. Too many weirdos to confirm my own weirdness. I’m in California now. In a great area. Orange County. The OC. People are not going to mug me. Gelson’s baggers who offer to help me load my grocery bags into my car are not looking for money. And I noticed that I can walk past a group of construction workers without getting the usual harrassment so I don’t need to have my “Don’t f**k with me” glare polished and ready to go.
I’m not used to this so it may take a while.
