life skills for girls
There is a nationwide event that happens during this time of year. You won’t find it on your calendar. There are no parades. No decorations. No specially scented candle votives. In fact, no one ever remembers what happens at this time of year until one day…out of the blue…totally unexpected…you see it: Someone holding a box of Girl Scout Cookies. Trying to remain calm, you drop everything, cancel your entire day, and make it your mission to find a Girl Scout. As soon as possible.
In most areas, finding Girl Scout Cookies is pretty easy. Many girls sell their cookies outside of grocery stores – which is pretty ingenious actually. They know you have money and that you are in the food-buying mood. And their moms are on hand to berate you if you attempt to walk by without acknowledging their hard-working little cookie pushers. Often, a coworker will bring their kid’s order form to work, which pretty much forces you to buy cookies. By not ordering cookies, you are in essence saying that you hate their child. You can’t even use the “I’m on a diet” excuse because for the past few years, the girl scouts have been giving you the option of sending cookies to the troops in Iraq. Thus you are strong-armed into buying at least one box of cookies under the threat of being labeled a child-and-soldier hater.
Once you have the cookies, you do everything possible not to eat them because, for some reason, you feel that they are almost too special to eat. It will be an entire year before you can order more, so you hold out as long as you can. For Catholics, Girl Scout Cookie Time often coincides with Lent. They have a slightly easier time resisting than the rest of us.
A few weeks ago, my mother insisted that I take home some Girl Scout Cookies because she didn’t want to be tempted to eat them all herself (yet she bought 6 boxes.) I didn’t want to be tempted to eat them all myself (yet I agreed to take them), so I brought them to Emil’s office. I placed the boxes in the kitchen, walked away for 30 seconds, and returned to see that both boxes were open and half-empty. I didn’t even see anyone go in there!
I ordered my cookies a few weeks ago from a friend’s niece, who is in a wheelchair. (Yeah, try saying no to that sale!) My friend was very kind to deliver them to my house. Of course, she delivered them on the night I was having a big party and even though I had provided plenty of food and other types of cookies – the guests immediately ripped into the Girl Scout Cookies. “MY GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!” I screamed as I snatched a box of Tagalongs from a flock of wild-eyed opportunist vultures. I am unbelievably stingy – I know. But these are Girl Scout Cookies! They exist for only 1 week a year and I was not about to give them up! I sent 2 boxes of Thin Mints to the troops! That’s as generous as I was going to get. “Get your own damn Tagalongs!” I grumbled.
After taking back my cookies by force at the party – I have managed not to eat any. I use the excuse that I’m saving them for when Emil gets back from his trip, but I know why I’m really resisting. I know that if I open a box, I will momentarily black-out, and I’ll regain consciousness to find myself lying on the couch, surrounded by ripped apart boxes, empty plastic cookie trays, and Thin Mint crumbs all over my chin.
What is it about these cookies? They aren’t even especially delicious! Girl Scout Cookies must contain crack. That’s the only explanation for the behavior they cause. We buy them, hoard them, and do everything possible not to eat them, and then lie to others and ourselves about how many we have eaten. (I DID eat some cookies since the party! Lots of them!)
The Girl Scout Organization claims that the yearly cookie-drive is teaching girls to be entrepreneurs, business managers, accountants, whatever – but they are really teaching little girls how to be successful drug dealers. Think about it:
1. Drug Dealers select locations where they know their target customer frequents. Girl Scouts set up outside of grocery stores, where they know their target customers frequent.
2. Drug Dealers sell products to people who are trying to kick addictions, but they can’t. Girl Scouts sell cookies to people who are trying to resist eating the cookies, but they can’t.
3. Drug Dealers enlist a crew to help them sell more drugs. Girl Scouts enlist their parents and other family members to help them sell more cookies.
4. Drug dealers who have their product on their person will make more sales than a drug dealer who has to go pick it up after the sale goes down. The Girl Scouts who have boxes to sell outside of grocery stores sell more boxes than Girl Scouts who only take orders.
5. Drug dealers obtain their products from multiple suppliers, so the quality often differs. Girl Scout cookies are made at two separate bakeries, so the taste and names often differ.
6. Drug Dealers often have to give a percentage of their profits to someone higher-up in the Drug Organization. Local Girl Scout Troops keep 45cents of every dollar brought in by cookie sales, the rest goes to the Girl Scout Organization.
You see? This is entrepreneurialism, alright. Learning how to sell crack cookies will definitely help little girls in their future careers as CEOs, Business Owners, Marketing Executives…or if they chose, Drug Overlords.
