Keriosity

Who told Howie Mandel this was a good look for him?

We women call this the “upside-down brazilian”

See?

(I warned you it was crude. Jeez.)

Emil and I have moved a total of 9 times in the 12 years we have been living together (12 years - jeez! You’d think we’d have figured out how not to annoy the crap out of each other by now!) We are moving experts. I can break down a cardboard box in less than 8 seconds. A big one too. 12 seconds for a wardrobe box.

Moving is what we do - and STILL, I have found there are parts of moving that can never be mastered. Never be made more efficient. These things will still be trial and error. Citysearch has helped in this battle. But only slightly. I give you:

Moving inconveniences you will never find in any moving tips guidebook/pamphlet/website etc.:

• Finding a new place to go for waxing. This may seem simple. There are a zillion places to get waxed. Any place that does nails offers waxing services. But ladies - you and I both know - these nail places can barely do nails. This is desperation waxing. This is waxing if you are already on antibiotics for something. I needed a desperation bikini wax in NY when J Sisters was booked and I was going to Miami and I went to a nail place. It looked like a blind person did my waxing. This is bad waxing. Anyway. GOOD waxing in a clean facility is hard to find. This is the second most unpleasant trial-and-error experience a person can undertake, (the first is finding who can stab you the gentlest, waxing is a close second.) But it must be done when you are new to an area. It’s not as easy a conversation to start up with a stranger as say, “I love your highlights - who does them?” or “Your nails look fabulous! Where do you get your manicures?” How do you walk up to some chick at the pool and say “Gee, your underarms and bikini zone look so smooth! You must tell me who waxes you!”?
• Finding a hair stylist you like. This is a little easier because you can actually ask for a recommendation from complete stranger with fabulous hair. But unlike waxing, bad results can be so much more traumatic emotionally. You can only do so much to hide a bad hairdo. I usually go a good 6 months before getting my hair cut when I move. I’m too chicken. (As I write this, Emil comes over and says “I need to find a place to get my hair cut.” Hey, he’s as good a guinea pig as me. Go for it, man!)
• Finding where to get all your favorite obscure brands of food. I still can’t find my yogurt and I’m a little bitter about it. It’s Emmi yogurt from Switzerland with the little cross and the mountain scene on the container. It’s yummy.
• Finding your new dry cleaner. I just went to the closest dry cleaner, thinking - it’s gotta be cheaper than NYC prices! - and I didn’t think to ask what they charge. Oh my god. I guess I should have known that the environmentally safe dry cleaner wouldn’t be inexpensive. When the lady told me the bill, I must have asked 4 times “Are you sure?!” I mean, I’m all for the environment, which is why I like to conserve paper. Like the kind my money is printed on.

Other inconveniences include - finding a new doctor, getting to know your new bartender, tricking your new neighbors into liking you so they don’t complain as much, finding your new “friends” with a pool/truck/beach-house to borrow, and obtaining one of those little badges/cards for your wallet that means you know someone in local law enforcement (wink-wink).

There are so many many more, but I don’t want to ruin the surprise in case any of YOU move in the future, since moving is such a wonderful journey. No - adventure. No - Grueling series of exhausting tasks while trying to put on a happy face to those who ask “are you excited? you must be so excited! are you packed? have you started packing? you must have a lot to pack! are you excited! have you started unpacking yet? are you excited to unpack your stuff? it must be so exciting!” YES I AM VERY EXCITED TO HAVE LOTS TO PACK. PACK PACK PACK. I HAVE BEEN DOING NOTHING BUT PACKING AND UNPACKING! ISN’T THAT EXCITING! CARDBOARD EVERYWHERE! I’M JUST ECSTATIC!” (Sorry - I’ve just been politely smiling at these questions for over two months now, ready to burst. There is nothing exciting about packing or unpacking. I’m almost done. Now I can be excited to move.)

You know - I should write a little moving tips book about this sort of thing. “The things you won’t expect to expect about moving.” I’ll put that on my “great ideas I will probably never do” list. (I’m a realist.)