Keriosity

In no particular order:

1. Yellowjackets!!!! (that one is in order)
2. Parents who think everyone loves their children and aren’t annoyed by them
3. Recycled airplane air because it means we all feel like we’re sitting next to The Farter
4. Stickiness
5. Cigarette butts being thrown out of car windows
6. Cigarette butts being thrown anywhere except in a garbage or ash tray
7. Uncomfortable shoes
8. Groups of 4 or more women
9. Pet owners who do not keep their dogs on leashes
10. Silverfish
11. Love Stories
12. Slow walkers
13. Close talkers
14. The lingering hand-shake
15. California drivers (this encompasses rubbernecking, not using turn signals, stopping in the middle of the street because they forgot they had to be in another lane, riding the brake, speeding up when I’ve signaled that I’m changing lanes, taking up more than 1 lane, broken brake-lights, the pointed finger out the window in lieu of a turn signal, honking at me to flirt with me, not knowing how to merge, and spilling items onto the freeway from their trucks.)
16. The phrases “I’m all”, “he’s all”, “she’s all”
17. Cell phones
18. Starbucks cups as an accessory
19. Overuse of the word “surreal”
20. That licking sound dogs make
21. Women who won’t date men who are “too short”
22. Men who won’t date women who are “too pudgy”
23. That at the airport, the line for Starbucks is longer than the security line
24. Repetitive noises
25. The smell of mildew
26. The first day after getting my hair colored when my hairline is still stained with color
27. 98% of anything having to do with children
28. Pregnant women who think that we think their naked belly is beautiful
29. The word “snickerdoodle”
30. The word “spleen”
31. Cooking shows
32. Medical surgery shows
33. Reality tv shows
34. Messy car interiors
35. People who talk for their pets
36. Menus and flyers shoved into the slats of my fence
37. Dry rot
38. The word “dry rot”
39. Mud
40. Humidity
41. Subway track sludge
42. Shopping
43. Hot chocolate mix that forms into small powdery clumps rather than dissolving
44. Scary movie commercials
45. Ovaltine radio commercials
46. Any stranger who has ever sat next to me on a plane
47. The word “trunk” when it refers to a torso
48. Slobber
49. People who use the word “I” or “me” in every single sentence
50. Running
51. Spiders
52. Personal trainers
53. Jennifer Love Hewitt
54. Beavis and Butthead
55. The sound of a baby crying
56. Being tickled
57. Magicians, clowns, or team mascots
58. Pet owners with no medical background who feel they can give veterinary advice to other pet owners
59. Talking to someone who has food stuck in their teeth, a crumb on their chin, eyelash on their cheek, chapped lips – anything that distracts me but that I can’t bring to their attention
60. Pushy sales people
61. In-flight announcements
62. People who are oblivious to their position relative to what’s going on around them – ie. Standing in the middle of a crowded walkway, abruptly stopping in the middle of a moving crowd, stopping at the top of subway steps to figure out which way to go. What is wrong with people – MOVE OUT OF THE WAY!
63. Smudging a nail 20 minutes after getting a manicure
64. Pauly Shore
65. How my ears ache after coming in from the cold
66. Stubbing my toe or other exercises in clumsiness
67. Bratty dogs
68. That the cat always chooses the newest thing in the house to vomit a hairball on
69. People calling me “Milhous’ mom”
70. Artificial peach smell
71. The mispronunciation of the word “breakfast”. It is NOT “brefext”
72. The mispronunciation of the word “espresso”. It is NOT “expresso”
73. The mispronunciation of the word “especially”. It is NOT “expecially”
74. Static electricity from packing peanuts
75. How dental x-rays dig into your gums
76. Campbell Brown’s inconsistent lisp
77. Breaking a yoke while making eggs over-easy
78. Eating the last thin mint (well that doesn’t drive me nuts as much as it makes me sad.)
79. Mystery dog poop on my sidewalk
80. The word “socket” when it’s used to describe where a tooth used to be
81. Poking myself in the eye (this happens a lot)
82. Having the hiccups (this happens a LOT)
83. The smell of cigarette smoke
84. That I constantly use it’s instead of its
85. The song “Mr. Sandman”
86. Earwigs
87. How I get a runny nose 5 minutes into a massage when my face is in that cradle and there is nothing I can do about it
88. Katie Couric conducting an interview
89. Bird poop on my newly washed car
90. That starchy smell from self-tanners
91. That the cat thinks we share meals
92. Papercuts
93. When a bee buzzes around my car while I’m driving, especially if I’m in a convertible
94. Workmen leaving fingerprints on or in my house
95. Sitting near someone who keeps sniffing or coughing or making other bodily noises
96. That Emil twists caps on bottles tighter than the manufacturer does
97. Those junk emails that start out with biblical quotes but are really just ads for Viagra - neither of which I’m interested in

So, on the day when all of the inspectors came to the new house, a giant wolf spider made its presence known by hanging out on the living room floor. Not wanting to appear like a “girl” in front of all the manly inspectors, I waited until no one was in the room and I scooted the spider out of the front door using the end of the tape measure, which I had extended to a spider-safe distance of 5 feet. But, the natural animal-lover in me isn’t as easily hidden as the “girl” in me, so of course I had to talk to the spider reassuringly. “Now you get out of here, little guy. That’s right. Out the door with you!” I looked up to see the punk-surfer chimney guy watching me suspiciously. “I can’t believe you just did that” he said. “I would have squished him. That is a HUGE spider!” I explained that I was afraid that if I tried to step on him, the spider would grab my leg and pull me to the floor where a vicious battle would surely ensue. Has anyone else ever seen that 1977 flick, Kingdom of the Spiders? Starring William Shatner? No? Well I have. Spiders can kick your ass.

Once our move into the house became imminent and I had spent enough time at the house to realize that spiders were going to be an issue, I started doing research online to learn which spiders I can expect to come across and which might kill me. Ugh! What an itchy 2 hours that was! Not only did I learn about identifying spiders, but I learned that some people in this world actually trap spiders and keep them as pets. And name them! All pet spiders are named Wolfie, Legs, Spike, or Charlotte, by the way. (If I had a pet spider, I would name him “Eek!” And then I would check myself into the nearest insane asylum. Keeping a wild spider as a pet is just not something sane people do.)

My online research lead me to a chart of non-dangerous vs. dangerous spiders, or, more practically speaking: spiders you can squish with a rolled up magazine vs. spiders you have to squish with a broom. Most need to be squished with a broom. Also, a good drowning using a hose works well too. You never want to try to kill a dangerous spider with a magazine or tissue, because what if you miss and the spider jumps on your hand and kills you?

I don’t care what that book my parents read to me as a child said: Spiders are not “our friends.” They are icky and scary and leggy and sneaky.

Here is the most traumatic experience I’ve ever had in regards to a spider: Often when I’m sleeping, I open my eyes and I think I see spider webs over my face or I think there’s a giant spider in my bed. I can’t tell you how many times my husband has woken up by either me screaming and throwing all the covers off the bed, or the movement of me, in my sleep, waving away “webs” in the air over my face. (This web-spider-hallucination thing is actually not that uncommon. So stop thinking that I’m crazy.) But - one night, I had an itch on my lip and I felt something there and I grabbed it and threw it on the floor, yelling “Turn on the light!!!!” Emil, out of habit, grumbled “There is NO spider. Go back to sleep.” But once the lights were on, and I saw there WAS a half-squished spider on the floor, I was both vindicated and horrified.

“That spider was on my LIP!!! MY LIP!!!”
“Great - finally an actual spider. We are never going to have a quiet night’s sleep again” Emil muttered.
“I could have eaten it by accident!”I cried. He wasn’t very sympathetic.

Someone once told me that the average person eats 10 bugs a year. The average WHAT person? Reality show contestant? Jungle-dwelling tribe member? Homeless person? I find it very hard to believe that I ingest 10 bugs a year and don’t know about it. How often do you hear of a person eating a bug? Like 3 times in your life? I’d think that if you ate 10 bugs a year, you’d know about at least 7 of them. Also, we’d all talk a lot less because, I don’t know about you, but if I thought that there was a possibility of inadvertently eating 10 bugs a year, I’d never open my mouth.

I’m really itchy now so I’m going to stop writing about spiders. Ugh!

We just spent 4 days in Mexico. I have never been to Mexico. I had a great time! We were there with a large group of friends, staying in a beach-side condo community where some friends own a condo and the rest of us rented small houses. The rentals were typical rentals - a little rustic, not perfect - but all right near each other and that was the idea. Nothing to do but drink beer, play games, eat great home-cooked meals, and spend time together. It was relaxing and fun!

But there were some bugs. I don’t really care for bugs. I love camping; my own family has a little getaway house in rural Delaware that has its own spider township; I love the outdoors in general. But I do not like to be near bugs.

More than once, I went to the bathroom in our little rental house, only to hear “Un momento, por favor!!!” and find that the sole occupant was a giant cockroach, sitting on the john reading the magazine that I had strategically placed in there for squishing bugs. That’s how gigantic the roaches were. I half-expected them to hog the blankets at night, but we kept the lights on so they’d stay away. (The bed fleas, however, didn’t care whether there was light or no light. )

Mexican bugs are HUGE! How can there be such large bugs in existence?! There are a few big bugs here too but big bugs are everywhere in Mexico and therefore Mexican bugs must be very smart. They know to hide out until they grow up to be huge muthuhs that no human foot CAN squish and then they can safely mingle among the general population.

I’m guessing they don’t have many natural predators. I noticed that there are many stray dogs wandering around but not many cats at all. You’d think that the dogs would probably be keeping the cat numbers low but then you realize that these dogs don’t seem to have much ambition - they barely get out of the way of cars. Obviously something is managing the cat population and it must be the 2-foot cockroaches. My theory is that the dogs have seen the roaches overtake the cats, and they have developed a symbiotic relationship with the roaches. The dogs could take out the roaches but then the cat population would be on the rise and the dogs would have to do some actual dog work to control the cats and you can just imagine how tiring that can be for lazy dogs. So the dogs don’t kill the roaches so that the roaches will do the dirty work and everyone is happy. Except the cats obviously. Also - I didn’t see many little dogs. Hm…

You can see I’ve thought about this. I had some down time while waiting for the bathroom to free up.

Top 10 Things I Miss About NY (other than friends and family.) Not in any particular order.

1. Good Pizza
2. Restaurants that stay open past 10pm, and those that deliver.
3. Fast thinking, fast acting, fast walking. (laid back is nice and all, but some of us have to be somewhere…well not really, YET, but I will soon!)
4. Liberal use of the F word. (I feel like a truck driver in a kindergarten class.)
5. The lack of bugs in my old apartment. (ants, ants everywhere around here. ooo and spiders. and a cricket inside! and a grasshopper touched my toe outside! I’d take 1 occasional amazonian roach out on the sidewalk in NYC than facing bugs every day.)
6. The knowledge that if I leave something of mine unattended while I run inside my home for a second, it WILL get taken. I don’t like this uncertainty. (Can I leave my purse in the car while I run in the house for a second? Probably. What probably? Yes or No?! Can I trust my neighbors or can’t I? I just wanna know either way!)
7. Good Bagels.
8. Not knowing the caloric/carb/fat breakdown of everything I order from any take out place. I’m beginning to get a complex.
9. Not having to walk the dog every 20 minutes. (Milhous was wee-wee pad trained in NY and we had NO carpets, which are his preferred excretorial substrate. Here, even the bathrooms have carpeting.)
10. Don’t tell Emil this one. Noise. (God I never thought I’d hear myself say that. I never thought it would be quiet enough to hear myself say that.)

Top 10 Things I Am Enjoying In CA. Also in no particular order.

1. Good Mexican Food
2. Walking Milhous after dark and seeing the scores of bunnies on the grass outside.
3. Driving. (especially after beating Emil this morning in the BMW. He was driving the ferrari. He can say he didn’t expect me to race him and all, but it was an open road. He should have caught up.)
4. Palm trees. I love palm trees. Actually, all the vegetation - there are flowers everywhere, everything is green. It’s gorgeous!
5. Nice people.
6. Sunshine and plenty of it!
7. This:

   

8. Meeting friends for an afternoon beer at bars on the beach.
9. Having coffee and cereal on the patio most mornings.
10. Catching glimpses of the ocean as I drive around.