Keriosity

I have thought this thought for a long time - and I am finally ready to share it:

The tragic death of Steve Irwin makes us overlook the fact that Bindi is one strange looking child. I know that at least a few of us have this same thought when we see her on TV: “Yeesh that’s an ugly little gir- WAIT! I can’t think that! It’s too mean! Her father died! And she’s actually sort of cute.” Sure she is…in a wombat kind of way.

What? Too cruel? Ok fine - she looks more like a vampire bat. That better?

While flipping through a car products catalog today, I came across this item:

Ok - you know what? This is something that bothers me every time I see it, but this time, I really have to say something about it. This post is dedicated to parents who don’t understand the line between “proud” and “weird”.

Why on earth would you want your child’s face on your car seat? First of all, why would you put your kid’s face on something that you squish with your back all day? Second, you can’t see it while you are using the seat. The only people who see this seat cover are people walking by your car when you are not in it, so clearly, you own such a product to advertise your kid to the world.

Everyone knows that your kid is the cutest kid anyone has ever seen, the smartest kid to have been born - God’s pudgy little gift to all.

But really, most of us are just really not that into your kid.

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According to this article I just read on Yahoo - Sydney Australia has become the lamest city in the world.

This year, Sydney is forbidding its Santas from saying “ho ho ho”. Apparently, some undersexed spinster has decided that Santa’s laugh is offensive to women. To back up her ridiculous claim, she threw in that “ho ho ho” scares children. Sydney is suggesting that the Santas say “ha ha ha”. Because that’s less weird.

(Sigh.)

I mean, sure, “ho” is sometimes used as a cute nickname for a whore. None of us is privy to the goings on between Santa and Mrs. Claus behind closed doors, but I think it’s safe to assume he is not using “ho” in that way. (Although a google image search of “Santa” and “Ho” says otherwise.)

And as far as Santa scaring children: yes, occasionally Santa scares children. It has nothing to do with his jolly “ho ho ho”. Some Santas smell like cigarettes and Jack, and when children are forced to sit on boozy Santa’s lap and pose for pictures, it’s not so pleasant.

Christmas is becoming way too controversial, and Santa’s laugh is not the only thing under attack.

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In no particular order:

1. Yellowjackets!!!! (that one is in order)
2. Parents who think everyone loves their children and aren’t annoyed by them
3. Recycled airplane air because it means we all feel like we’re sitting next to The Farter
4. Stickiness
5. Cigarette butts being thrown out of car windows
6. Cigarette butts being thrown anywhere except in a garbage or ash tray
7. Uncomfortable shoes
8. Groups of 4 or more women
9. Pet owners who do not keep their dogs on leashes
10. Silverfish
11. Love Stories
12. Slow walkers
13. Close talkers
14. The lingering hand-shake
15. California drivers (this encompasses rubbernecking, not using turn signals, stopping in the middle of the street because they forgot they had to be in another lane, riding the brake, speeding up when I’ve signaled that I’m changing lanes, taking up more than 1 lane, broken brake-lights, the pointed finger out the window in lieu of a turn signal, honking at me to flirt with me, not knowing how to merge, and spilling items onto the freeway from their trucks.)
16. The phrases “I’m all”, “he’s all”, “she’s all”
17. Cell phones
18. Starbucks cups as an accessory
19. Overuse of the word “surreal”
20. That licking sound dogs make
21. Women who won’t date men who are “too short”
22. Men who won’t date women who are “too pudgy”
23. That at the airport, the line for Starbucks is longer than the security line
24. Repetitive noises
25. The smell of mildew
26. The first day after getting my hair colored when my hairline is still stained with color
27. 98% of anything having to do with children
28. Pregnant women who think that we think their naked belly is beautiful
29. The word “snickerdoodle”
30. The word “spleen”
31. Cooking shows
32. Medical surgery shows
33. Reality tv shows
34. Messy car interiors
35. People who talk for their pets
36. Menus and flyers shoved into the slats of my fence
37. Dry rot
38. The word “dry rot”
39. Mud
40. Humidity
41. Subway track sludge
42. Shopping
43. Hot chocolate mix that forms into small powdery clumps rather than dissolving
44. Scary movie commercials
45. Ovaltine radio commercials
46. Any stranger who has ever sat next to me on a plane
47. The word “trunk” when it refers to a torso
48. Slobber
49. People who use the word “I” or “me” in every single sentence
50. Running
51. Spiders
52. Personal trainers
53. Jennifer Love Hewitt
54. Beavis and Butthead
55. The sound of a baby crying
56. Being tickled
57. Magicians, clowns, or team mascots
58. Pet owners with no medical background who feel they can give veterinary advice to other pet owners
59. Talking to someone who has food stuck in their teeth, a crumb on their chin, eyelash on their cheek, chapped lips – anything that distracts me but that I can’t bring to their attention
60. Pushy sales people
61. In-flight announcements
62. People who are oblivious to their position relative to what’s going on around them – ie. Standing in the middle of a crowded walkway, abruptly stopping in the middle of a moving crowd, stopping at the top of subway steps to figure out which way to go. What is wrong with people – MOVE OUT OF THE WAY!
63. Smudging a nail 20 minutes after getting a manicure
64. Pauly Shore
65. How my ears ache after coming in from the cold
66. Stubbing my toe or other exercises in clumsiness
67. Bratty dogs
68. That the cat always chooses the newest thing in the house to vomit a hairball on
69. People calling me “Milhous’ mom”
70. Artificial peach smell
71. The mispronunciation of the word “breakfast”. It is NOT “brefext”
72. The mispronunciation of the word “espresso”. It is NOT “expresso”
73. The mispronunciation of the word “especially”. It is NOT “expecially”
74. Static electricity from packing peanuts
75. How dental x-rays dig into your gums
76. Campbell Brown’s inconsistent lisp
77. Breaking a yoke while making eggs over-easy
78. Eating the last thin mint (well that doesn’t drive me nuts as much as it makes me sad.)
79. Mystery dog poop on my sidewalk
80. The word “socket” when it’s used to describe where a tooth used to be
81. Poking myself in the eye (this happens a lot)
82. Having the hiccups (this happens a LOT)
83. The smell of cigarette smoke
84. That I constantly use it’s instead of its
85. The song “Mr. Sandman”
86. Earwigs
87. How I get a runny nose 5 minutes into a massage when my face is in that cradle and there is nothing I can do about it
88. Katie Couric conducting an interview
89. Bird poop on my newly washed car
90. That starchy smell from self-tanners
91. That the cat thinks we share meals
92. Papercuts
93. When a bee buzzes around my car while I’m driving, especially if I’m in a convertible
94. Workmen leaving fingerprints on or in my house
95. Sitting near someone who keeps sniffing or coughing or making other bodily noises
96. That Emil twists caps on bottles tighter than the manufacturer does
97. Those junk emails that start out with biblical quotes but are really just ads for Viagra - neither of which I’m interested in