Something has been bothering me about the Phil Spector trial. And it’s not that he’s an insane drugged-up gun-waving woman-hater. It’s this:
Can you say “Channeling Carol Channing” 5 times fast?
As a Veterinary Nurse, I encounter many types of pet owners. My favorites are the crazies, because I happen to get a kick out of crazy people. (In NYC, encounters with crazy people are a daily occurrence, and there’s a choice - be scared or find the humor. I choose to find the humor. Unless they are really scary.)
Here are some examples of crazy pet owners that I have had the pleasure of meeting:
The “KILL MY CAT!” lady. This was a frequent caller of veterinary hospitals in the Los Angeles area while I was working in Pacific Palisades. Every few months, she would make the rounds - calling all vets and begging them to kill her cat. Her cat was possessed by the devil and the only way to stop the devil was to kill the cat. She would scream into the phone “KILL MY CAT! PLEASE!” The only consolation in this sad situation was that she believed that if SHE killed the cat, the devil would possess HER, so someone else had to do the job. And to my knowledge, no vet ever obliged.
A poor old lady came into my hospital (on Long Island) one day with her little black dog in a wicker picnic basket. She needed to know if her dog was dead. Taking a peek, I saw that not only was her dog dead - but that he was covered in dirt. I told her the news and she seemed unusually concerned. Apparently, her dog died a few days before, she waited a while to make sure he was dead (read: stiff), then buried him. A few nights later, she panicked that she might have buried him alive and, in the morning, dug him up to find that he was limp. Not knowing that rigor mortis subsides after a while and bodies go limp again - she assumed he was still alive and rushed to the hospital. Upon hearing the news that the dog was dead, she was afraid that she killed him by burying him alive. It took a while to convince her that she didn’t bury him alive. The fact that she heard no heart, he wasn’t breathing, his gums turned blue, and he became stiff were all clear signs that he had died before being buried. I only hope she truly believed me. (I did not find humor in this one, obviously. Ok, well a little.)
At my new hospital, in the city (where there are more crazy people per square foot than Long Island or LA) - we have a crazy client who likes to try all medications before giving them to her pet. Approved for humans or not. And we have to keep the exam room door open at all times to keep an eye on her because if we don’t, she goes through all the cabinets and drawers and starts injecting her cat with whatever medication she can find and applies eye meds, ear meds, etc…to the poor cat and herself. She has trust issues and feels she can better service her cat’s medical needs, I guess. On the plus side - I’m sure the lady never has worms or hot spots.
And just so you don’t think it’s only women who are crazy pet owners - we have a male client at work who is very suspicious of our handling of his cat. (We have never manhandled his cat or any other cat come to think of it.) One day, we brought the cat, in her carrier, to the upstairs treatment room to take bloods or something. We heard a clicking noise coming from the bag and discovered a tape recorder in the pocket - recording! After many months of abusive and inappropriate behavior from this client, the doctor snapped. She grabbed the tape recorder, stormed downstairs to the exam room, and threw the recorder at the client’s head - hitting him and breaking the recorder into many pieces. She yelled obscenities at him and told him never to come back again. He does come back on a regular basis, and is as mild mannered and polite as can be. I think we are his last hope for a vet because other hospitals refuse to see him or his cat.
My last example happened only a few weeks ago. A woman came in with her dog who had an “emergency rash” on his side. She explained to the nurse that she wanted x-rays. After the nurse replied that x-rays aren’t usually warranted for a rash and it would be up to the doctor to make that determination, the lady became agitated. According to her, she isn’t supposed to have the dog because her ex-husband has custody so he, or the government, put an implant in the dog’s abdomen. And if you put your ear up to the rash, you can hear voices coming from inside the dog. I am not kidding you. So she wanted x-rays to prove there was an implant. But she can’t pay for much because she isn’t supposed to have the dog and there can’t be a paper trail of veterinary bills proving that she had the dog. I think we gave her skin cream and sent her on her crazy way.
On a side-note - I love how the government is always putting implants in people (and now pets). Oh, that reminds me of another crazy owner (last one!) This time, a bird owner who couldn’t bring her sick bird to us because the government and Hollywood wanted to steal her bird because it’s a famous bird. Everyone wants her bird so she keeps tin foil around the cage so they can’t track the bird with a satellite. Meanwhile - another nurse did a house-call for the bird and he said it’s the scrawniest thing who plucks out all his feathers. Gee, I wonder why.
I’m in a pretty rotten mood today…so the following will be more venting and spite than anything else.
I hate Equinox gym. My experience has been that the staff is unprofessional, they employ inexperienced, barely trained, and insanely expensive “personal trainers” who are going to kill someone soon, and when they give out false information, say, with regards to the proper method for canceling your membership…they still hold a client financially responsible when said client has received such false information from one of their employees. See where I’m going with this? The end result of today’s incident is that I paid for two extra months of membership when I was told my membership would expire last month and I would owe no more money.
Here’s what I did that I have never done before:
1. Throw any object, in this case an ATM card, at a customer service representative, in this case the general manager.
2. Curse at a customer service representative (the G.M.)…for example…”Thank you for your payment, Ms. Rensing. You know, you can still use the gym through the month of May.” My reply “Not a f**king chance!”
I would have felt somewhat empowered by my newfound belligerence had I not dumped out half the contents of my purse on my way to storm out the door - which I wouldn’t have been able to do anyway because a blind man was coming through the door at the same time. This is so me. (the throwing and the cursing - not so much me.) I was tempted to warn the blind man that this gym is evil and must be stopped. But then I figured he had enough problems to worry about and I’d just vent in this blog.
But this all leads to a major conclusion, one which I’ve been denying for some time now. I am too patient and nice to strangers (even after living in NYC for 2 years! That’s how much patience I have!) This is normally not a problem, but this trait also means that I am not vigilant enough when it comes to seeking out information, double checking information, confirming, following-up, etc….I take things on face value and believe it will all work out ok. I don’t want to be a pest, afterall. I should have gone to the gym in person and spoke to the manager way before my membership was nearing its expiration date instead of listening to the misinformed advice to “just let it expire” of whomever answered the phone.
You know those people in your lives - bosses, relatives, friends - we all have them - that are nags, nudges, pests…they can really be annoying! They just get under your skin and drive you crazy with the phone calls and the questions and the constant reminding. I need to be more like that. I’ll let you know how it goes.
Ok, my inspiration for having a blog is my coffee maker. It’s true. I must warn others.
I am not a hard-core coffee drinker, but my crack-of-dawn work schedule necessitates the drinking of at least 2 cups of coffee each day. So, after a year of hit-or-miss deli coffee, I decided that I drink enough of it to justify a fancy coffee maker. The Keurig Home Brewing System. It is a gorgeous brewer, makes excellent coffee, very convenient, etc, etc…(www.keurig.com - watch the demo but heed the following warning…)
After “brewing excellence one cup at a time” for a few days, I realized that this coffee maker is, in fact, a mind-controlling device. And I’m not kidding. My first clue should have been when my anti-coffee-drinking husband called me at work, all hepped up on caffeine, to tell me that it had been delivered. “Um…Emil, you don’t drink coffee.” I reminded him. “It’s so cool!” was his lightening-quick response. He was on his 4th cup. Okaaaay….. But once I got home and saw its sleek design, star-patterned drip tray, water-level indicator with the hypnotic blue light, the “Ready” light beckoning me - I was entranced. And then…I heard it. The quiet sighing sound that it makes every few minutes. I know that this sound is simply the heating element keeping the water nice and hot at all times, but really - it’s calling to me. “Aaaaahhhh….coffee… you want coffee…..you need coffee….make some coffee…..” How could I resist the glowing and the star and that seducing sigh….?
The first time I used the mind-control coffee maker, it was like every other time I’ve tried out a new or otherwise unfamiliar coffee maker. Water and coffee grounds spewing out of everywhere - me frantically trying to unplug it, stop it, contain the volcano of boiling hot coffee grounds…I don’t know why this happens every time I try a new coffee maker. It just does. But in this case, it was my own little “Ah-ha! You may be this sexy fancy ‘home brewing system’ but you aren’t so perfect, are you? I can still get you to spew coffee grounds!” But after a successful second attempt…I was no longer superior. It was easy. It was quick. It was goooood.
Like any obsession, this one requires spending money on accessories. I have all new travel mugs, two cute colorful travel bottles for iced coffee, and there must always be half-and-half in the refrigerator. I also need to buy a supply of decaf coffee since I crave coffee at all hours. And it brews tea too, so I need some in case tea drinkers come over, because that’s the other part of the mind-control plan Keurig has - insisting that all your guests drink something brewed from your Keurig Home Brewing System. (They want to anyway, once they are taken in by the glowing and the sighing.) Keurig knows that at some point some guests will want to buy a brewing system for themselves. In fact, we bought ours on the recommendation of my mind-controlled father-in-law. This is a powerful scheme they’ve got going!
A few weeks after becoming mind-controlled, my husband and I went to Miami. We missed our dog, our cats, and our coffee maker. I felt guilty ordering coffee at restaurants, and the coffee was utterly dissatisfying. And last week, my doctor advised me to cut out all caffeine for a week and I can’t until my shipment of decaf arrives! I tried it for one day and I could tell the coffee maker was angry with me. The sighing seemed much more like seething that day. The next morning, there I was, going against my doctor’s orders, brewing excellence to pacify the angry coffee maker. Emil and I make jokes about it - “What’s that, coffee maker? You want Keri to go get me a slice of pizza?” “But the coffee maker TOLD me to sit on the couch watching TV all day instead of picking up your dry cleaning.” (oops! That reminds me…) But even through the jokes, we know the horrifying truth. Our coffee maker owns us.
So anyway - that’s my story. Consider yourselves warned. Still get one - but know what you’re getting yourself into. But seriously - get one. It’s so cool!
Ok I’m off to the dry cleaners now…providing that I can make it past the kitchen.
