Ok men – now that the largest gift-giving season is over, you have a 2 week break until you have to start thinking about what to get us women for Valentine’s Day. I know you think it’s too soon and that getting us something ON Valentine’s Day always seems to work out just fine – but we know a last-minute gift when we see one. We can tell by your increasing crabbiness in the days leading up to Valentine’s Day and the very obvious signs of relief when we open the last-minute gift and smile. We can see right through the excitement and happiness you are trying hard to convey as we give you a Thank-You peck on the cheek. We know what you are really thinking: “Whew! I pulled it off again! I am a genius!”
If you identify with any of this – you are NO genius.
But I am here to help you. (And I am a genius.)
First of all, I want you to ignore all radio and TV commercials or other advertisements suggesting possible Valentine’s gifts that women will love. I am positive that the marketing execs behind these advertisements are man-hating spinsters who want to see the annihilation of the male gender. These gifts are guaranteed to backfire. Here’s how:
“Give her a gift she’ll treasure with a right-hand diamond ring.”
Seems like the perfect gift, right? Women love jewelry…a right-hand diamond ring is jewelry…therefore, she will love it! Stop. Before you all run out to get these right-hand diamond rings, you need to know some crucial things. Life-or-death things. The only scenario in which it is acceptable for a man to surprise a woman with a right-hand diamond ring is if he’s already given her a left-hand diamond ring. Otherwise, the message will be loud and clear: “Just a quick reminder: I DON’T want to marry you.”
The right-hand diamond ring trend was created by single women who want to symbolize that they don’t need men to be happy - that they are independent and can buy their own damn diamond rings. The very same women who are trying to get you killed by telling you to buy your girlfriend a right-hand diamond ring.
However, if your lady already has a left-hand diamond ring - by all means get her one for her right hand! We can never have too many diamond rings.
“Send her an adorable TeddyGram this Valentine’s Day. There is nothing you can’t say with a teddybear!”
Uh…I guess that’s technically true. I’m not sure that “Guess what? I gave you the Clap!” would be something you’d want to say with a bear…but I suppose as long as we have a soft cuddly teddy bear to wail at your head, we don’t need to find the nearest skull-crushing object.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – stuffed animals are not sexy in any way. Real grown-up women do not like getting them as gifts - regardless of how happy we pretend to be when we get one. That “Awwww!” we say when we receive a stuffed animal? It’s actually just us catching ourselves before we shout “Awwwwwful! What an awful gift! What am I, 7-years-old? What the hell were you thinking?!”
“Valentine’s Day is all about love and romance, so make sure you both get what you want this year by sending her a PajamaGram”.
Have you seen the pajamas you can send with a PajamaGram? It would be really unfair of you men to complain that we wear frumpy sweatpants and t-shirts to bed and then give us frumpy pajamas on what is supposed to be the most romantic and guaranteed-to-get-some day of the year. I mean, we WILL be happy to get cozy comfy pajamas – but you can plainly see why you will be kicking yourself afterwards.
Askmen.com has some suggestions for gifts depending on the stage of your relationship. One such category is for the “Occasional Romance.” (You clever men you! Making “booty call” seem all romantic and clandestine.) For your occasional romantic partner, they suggest giving a basket of sex toys. Riiiight. As if being your booty call isn’t degrading enough – “Here’s a slutty basket of slutty slut toys, you slut.” (Besides, if she has the sex toys, does she really need to answer your drunken booty calls anymore?)
I realize you probably thought these were all great ideas until I viciously squashed all your hopes and dreams for a suitable (and easy) Valentine’s Day gift – but I do not intend to leave you without a means of getting through this holiday unscathed. In fact, I’ll do one better – I will solve your gift-giving problems for all holidays to come!
There are three fail-safe gifts you can get any woman for any occasion. A trinity of perfect gifts, so to speak.
The first one is so obvious to women, it’s unbelievable that men have not picked up on it: Spa Day. Women could have a spa day every day and never get tired of it. This is the perfect gift for Valentine’s Day and you can make it an annual thing without appearing lazy. In fact, you can make it your yearly recognition of the fact that we deserve to be pampered. We will love it!
Three little words about the second perfect gift: Ju le ree. Beware of the right-hand diamond ring issue – but any other kind of jewelry is really always appreciated.
And the third perfect gift in the trinity – a romantic dinner alone with you. (“psht” all you want – it’s easy and it will make us happy.)
If you stick to these three gifts and combinations of them, you will never have to stress about what to give us…ever again.
Keep a secret list of gift-giving occasions and what you give us every year on that day. For example:
Valentine’s Day – Spa Day and romantic dinner.
Anniversary – Jewelry and romantic dinner.
Christmas – Jewelry and Spa Day
Birthday – Spa Day scheduled for the day of our birthday (leaves you free to…watch sports…or whatever else you like to do that we nag about), followed by dinner with several friends (that way we get even more gifts.)
Every 7-10 years, throw in a curve-ball by taking us on vacation as the gift. (Although vacations will still involve spa days and romantic dinners – just so you know.)
You may think that this will become predictable and that we will be upset that you don’t think of something creative for every occasion. What you don’t realize is that when we hear another woman say “Oh, every year on our anniversary, Steve gives me a gorgeous piece of jewelry and takes me out for a quiet romantic dinner” - what we hear is “It’s a tradition that he never forgets” and we all silently berate our own men for not being as thoughtful.
If you follow my simple advice - from now on, when she opens your gift and smiles and plants a full-on Thank-You KISS, you can think “Whew – that actually worked! Keri is a genius!”
