Keriosity

So there’s a new project I’m working on and to do research, I’ve been signing up for some of the more popular cat and dog websites. It has been…weird.

I am not one of those pet owners who thinks of my pets as my children. I am not their “mom”. I am their friend. This distinction doesn’t come from a need to define how much I love my pets. Calling myself their “mom” doesn’t mean I love them more than if they are my “friends”. It stems more from the nausea I feel when other people refer to me to as anyone’s ”mom”. I have issues, I know. As if you couldn’t already tell.

Anyway…

One such site is a like a myspace for pets. It’s cute. If you’re into that sort of thing. Which normally I am not. At first, I perused the site and sort of made a few judgments about the tone. It seems that most people on the site actually think that their pets can talk and are interested in making online dog and cat friends. “My mom likes to take me for walks in the park. Let’s be pals.” “Sometimes my belly hurts and my dad rubs it for me. Wanna play?” That sort of tone. I can’t feel bad about mentioning this because I know that 90% of you are making the same judgments I did. The “get-a-life” judgment.

But then I started to realize that actually I am the big loser because within the first hour of creating online profiles for my pets, Gummy and Milhous had more friends than I have on MY myspace, which I’ve had for about a year. Gummy was immediately invited to join the group for cats who are named after candy and Milhous had about 30 girl dogs ask him out.

Every 5 minutes when my email gets checked, more of the emails are for my pets than are for me. I’m beginning to get a complex.

As if maintaining a myspace isn’t time consuming enough, now I have to manage the online social lives of my pets. This research is really important, so I actually have to sign them up for as many groups as I can and make sure they become popular. What I will NOT do is talk for them. And I refuse to talk to the other pets. “Tell your mom to take you to the vet.” I would rather hold a snake that’s just been set on fire.

We all have our pet peeves – I have 97 pet peeves. “People talking for their pets” is #35.

What makes this issue even more annoying is that in the health forums (which is where I spend my time) every thread headline is something like “I almost died!” or “I have fleas!” or “My butt hurts!” or “What sex am I?” or “Help! My mom wants to cut off my testicles!” I think they think it’s cute – it’s not cute. It’s weird. I think that if pets could somehow talk and use a computer, their headlines would be “How can I get the humans to feed me steak?” and “Why must they torture me with that damn red dot?!”

And another creepy factor in all of this are the owners who make profiles for their deceased pets and then post on the forums as if those pets could speak from beyond the grave. “When I was still alive, I had pancreatitis once. I was in the hospital for a week!” I am not making this up.

I’m going to create some groups on these sites. “Pets who meow and bark like normal animals” and “You people are driving me crazy.” (There is a group for black cats only, which Daisy was invited to join. I was SOOOO tempted to start one for white cats and call it “White Pawer!” but I don’t think that’d go over well. I can’t afford to make enemies on these sites.)

These types of owners also tend to make up words and acronyms. Here are some of the more creative made-up words I’ve come across:

- Concatulations!

- Mawmie (as in, “My mawmie gives me greenies!”)

- OMD/OMC (Oh My Dog/Oh My Cat…OMG these people are strange.)

- BOL/MOL (bark/meow out loud)

- WTD? (What The Dog?! I haven’t seen any WTCs, but maybe that acronym brings up an upsetting topic.)

- ROFDMAO! (Rolling On Floor, Dragging My Ass Off! Ok actually, my friend made up that one and it made me spit pizza.)

With the exception of this weird pet-talking thing, they are actually pretty neat sites – tons of pet information and support of other pet owners. I just have to mention that because I’m pretty picky about pet sites and they do a good job with theirs.

Well, Gummy just got 2 emails that I must attend to. MTYL…

In no particular order:

1. Yellowjackets!!!! (that one is in order)
2. Parents who think everyone loves their children and aren’t annoyed by them
3. Recycled airplane air because it means we all feel like we’re sitting next to The Farter
4. Stickiness
5. Cigarette butts being thrown out of car windows
6. Cigarette butts being thrown anywhere except in a garbage or ash tray
7. Uncomfortable shoes
8. Groups of 4 or more women
9. Pet owners who do not keep their dogs on leashes
10. Silverfish
11. Love Stories
12. Slow walkers
13. Close talkers
14. The lingering hand-shake
15. California drivers (this encompasses rubbernecking, not using turn signals, stopping in the middle of the street because they forgot they had to be in another lane, riding the brake, speeding up when I’ve signaled that I’m changing lanes, taking up more than 1 lane, broken brake-lights, the pointed finger out the window in lieu of a turn signal, honking at me to flirt with me, not knowing how to merge, and spilling items onto the freeway from their trucks.)
16. The phrases “I’m all”, “he’s all”, “she’s all”
17. Cell phones
18. Starbucks cups as an accessory
19. Overuse of the word “surreal”
20. That licking sound dogs make
21. Women who won’t date men who are “too short”
22. Men who won’t date women who are “too pudgy”
23. That at the airport, the line for Starbucks is longer than the security line
24. Repetitive noises
25. The smell of mildew
26. The first day after getting my hair colored when my hairline is still stained with color
27. 98% of anything having to do with children
28. Pregnant women who think that we think their naked belly is beautiful
29. The word “snickerdoodle”
30. The word “spleen”
31. Cooking shows
32. Medical surgery shows
33. Reality tv shows
34. Messy car interiors
35. People who talk for their pets
36. Menus and flyers shoved into the slats of my fence
37. Dry rot
38. The word “dry rot”
39. Mud
40. Humidity
41. Subway track sludge
42. Shopping
43. Hot chocolate mix that forms into small powdery clumps rather than dissolving
44. Scary movie commercials
45. Ovaltine radio commercials
46. Any stranger who has ever sat next to me on a plane
47. The word “trunk” when it refers to a torso
48. Slobber
49. People who use the word “I” or “me” in every single sentence
50. Running
51. Spiders
52. Personal trainers
53. Jennifer Love Hewitt
54. Beavis and Butthead
55. The sound of a baby crying
56. Being tickled
57. Magicians, clowns, or team mascots
58. Pet owners with no medical background who feel they can give veterinary advice to other pet owners
59. Talking to someone who has food stuck in their teeth, a crumb on their chin, eyelash on their cheek, chapped lips – anything that distracts me but that I can’t bring to their attention
60. Pushy sales people
61. In-flight announcements
62. People who are oblivious to their position relative to what’s going on around them – ie. Standing in the middle of a crowded walkway, abruptly stopping in the middle of a moving crowd, stopping at the top of subway steps to figure out which way to go. What is wrong with people – MOVE OUT OF THE WAY!
63. Smudging a nail 20 minutes after getting a manicure
64. Pauly Shore
65. How my ears ache after coming in from the cold
66. Stubbing my toe or other exercises in clumsiness
67. Bratty dogs
68. That the cat always chooses the newest thing in the house to vomit a hairball on
69. People calling me “Milhous’ mom”
70. Artificial peach smell
71. The mispronunciation of the word “breakfast”. It is NOT “brefext”
72. The mispronunciation of the word “espresso”. It is NOT “expresso”
73. The mispronunciation of the word “especially”. It is NOT “expecially”
74. Static electricity from packing peanuts
75. How dental x-rays dig into your gums
76. Campbell Brown’s inconsistent lisp
77. Breaking a yoke while making eggs over-easy
78. Eating the last thin mint (well that doesn’t drive me nuts as much as it makes me sad.)
79. Mystery dog poop on my sidewalk
80. The word “socket” when it’s used to describe where a tooth used to be
81. Poking myself in the eye (this happens a lot)
82. Having the hiccups (this happens a LOT)
83. The smell of cigarette smoke
84. That I constantly use it’s instead of its
85. The song “Mr. Sandman”
86. Earwigs
87. How I get a runny nose 5 minutes into a massage when my face is in that cradle and there is nothing I can do about it
88. Katie Couric conducting an interview
89. Bird poop on my newly washed car
90. That starchy smell from self-tanners
91. That the cat thinks we share meals
92. Papercuts
93. When a bee buzzes around my car while I’m driving, especially if I’m in a convertible
94. Workmen leaving fingerprints on or in my house
95. Sitting near someone who keeps sniffing or coughing or making other bodily noises
96. That Emil twists caps on bottles tighter than the manufacturer does
97. Those junk emails that start out with biblical quotes but are really just ads for Viagra - neither of which I’m interested in

We just spent 4 days in Mexico. I have never been to Mexico. I had a great time! We were there with a large group of friends, staying in a beach-side condo community where some friends own a condo and the rest of us rented small houses. The rentals were typical rentals - a little rustic, not perfect - but all right near each other and that was the idea. Nothing to do but drink beer, play games, eat great home-cooked meals, and spend time together. It was relaxing and fun!

But there were some bugs. I don’t really care for bugs. I love camping; my own family has a little getaway house in rural Delaware that has its own spider township; I love the outdoors in general. But I do not like to be near bugs.

More than once, I went to the bathroom in our little rental house, only to hear “Un momento, por favor!!!” and find that the sole occupant was a giant cockroach, sitting on the john reading the magazine that I had strategically placed in there for squishing bugs. That’s how gigantic the roaches were. I half-expected them to hog the blankets at night, but we kept the lights on so they’d stay away. (The bed fleas, however, didn’t care whether there was light or no light. )

Mexican bugs are HUGE! How can there be such large bugs in existence?! There are a few big bugs here too but big bugs are everywhere in Mexico and therefore Mexican bugs must be very smart. They know to hide out until they grow up to be huge muthuhs that no human foot CAN squish and then they can safely mingle among the general population.

I’m guessing they don’t have many natural predators. I noticed that there are many stray dogs wandering around but not many cats at all. You’d think that the dogs would probably be keeping the cat numbers low but then you realize that these dogs don’t seem to have much ambition - they barely get out of the way of cars. Obviously something is managing the cat population and it must be the 2-foot cockroaches. My theory is that the dogs have seen the roaches overtake the cats, and they have developed a symbiotic relationship with the roaches. The dogs could take out the roaches but then the cat population would be on the rise and the dogs would have to do some actual dog work to control the cats and you can just imagine how tiring that can be for lazy dogs. So the dogs don’t kill the roaches so that the roaches will do the dirty work and everyone is happy. Except the cats obviously. Also - I didn’t see many little dogs. Hm…

You can see I’ve thought about this. I had some down time while waiting for the bathroom to free up.

I hope you’ll indulge me another blog about pets. This one has pictures!

Gummy started his Prozac yesterday. The good thing about Gummy is that he acts like a dog in many ways. He has no cat ego. One of his dog traits is that he takes pills in a dog food meatball. This is almost unheard of in cats. I know this because I have given pills to approximately 1436 cats. I have personally witnessed 2 cats do this - Gummy and this hyperthyroid cat named Clyde who eats everything, including your finger if you try to give him a pill in the traditional cat technique (shove it down his throat). Luckily for Clyde’s owner and me - Gummy and Clyde eat meatballs.

My sister Tina coined the term “happy meatball” especially for Gummy’s Prozac meatball. It fits. Here he is waiting for his meatball - he is very happy!

He purrs when he eats it. He loves dog food. (This becomes a problem every morning when Milhous gets his breakfast. Remember how I said before that Gummy was slightly retarded? Here’s an example: He doesn’t understand “angry” when it’s being directed at him and doesn’t realize that if he just stops trying to eat what’s in Milhous’ bowl, Milhous won’t bite his belly. In fact, this whore-cat incident is the only thing I’ve ever seen Gummy get angry about. He just doesn’t do anger.) Milhous is not happy about the happy meatball because he knows it’s dog food. He recognizes the can and is utterly beside himself that the cat is getting what’s in the can and he isn’t. Everyone is upset, in fact. The can is pretty big and it will go bad before I can use it all, so what’s the harm? Milhous and Goat each get a little happy meatball, minus the drugs, when Gummy gets his. Daisy doesn’t because she has food allergies. It’s just easier than getting barked at for 10 minutes and having Goat on the kitchen counter searching for meatball remnants.

The patio came out very nice. I put up the garden fencing, supplemented with some trellises and plants here and there in spots that still were still accessible to the whore cat. I found out that her name is “Shadow” and she lives across the courtyard. No wonder she wants to leave her home so often. Shadow?! No offense to those readers who have or have had pets with these names but it’s right up there with Max and Oreo as the least creative pet names. And it totally doesn’t suit her! She’s a sleek Abyssinian! Shadow is for a black cat or a black dog. (btw - Goat came with the name Goat, so that’s not my fault. I wanted to name him Ichabod. We could have called him Icky for short. Gummy is short for Montgomery, keeping with our Simpson’s theme with Milhous and our two departed mice named Patty and Selma - also because of his bad teeth, we thought he’d have to have all his teeth removed at some point. A preemptive nickname.)

Shadow came by this morning while I was taking pictures of the patio and she was very upset about the fence. I saw her owners’ kid around the courtyard a few minutes before, so I had to lay down on the living room floor like a sniper with my water-gun so he wouldn’t see me hunting his beloved cat. Gummy crouched down next to me. I squirted her (gently) in the face, which sent her running. I swore I heard Gummy snicker.

I put up the sensory deprivation window coverings. That makes me sad. Poor kitties. I have been keeping the sliding door open a few inches for a little while in the day because I just feel terrible. They’ve been living in NYC with no view of anything interesting for 3 years. Then they have 3 weeks of seeing trees, flowers, bugs, sky, yes another cat but still…how could I take that away cold turkey? Gummy is very confused. “Why is everything so blurry?”

It will take about a week for the Prozac to start to work. I wonder if he’ll have dry mouth and insomnia like people get. Or vivid dreams - sometimes that’s a side effect. It’ll be so hard to tell because he already drinks a lot (he loves the water bowl for some reason. He puts his toys in there.) and does dream often (his feet and face move). And he snores (another dog-like trait.) Gummy: the retarded, bad toothed, bad hipped, snoring, meatball eating, soggy toyed, snorts when he’s concentrating, purrs when Daisy is getting brushed (he’s happy for her), snuggles with his rawhide donut, play-bites too hard, dog-cat who is stressed-out over feeling angry for the first time ever. How could you not want to do all this to help him?

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Some of Gummy’s pets that have frequented the water bowl: the snake, the octopus, the Rudolf finger puppet, and the rubber mouse (not pictured). The octopus has also visited the food bowl on occasion.