Keriosity

We just got back from 5 days in China and 7 days in Japan. Shanghai and Tokyo, to be exact. Our second visit to each city. We went to watch the Grand Prix. Formula 1 Races. No seriously. It was fun!

I’ve learned several things about China.

1. The Chinese do not believe in the concept of “Maximum Occupancy.” Ironic for a country that has a 1-child-per-family rule.

2. They also don’t believe in the concept of “Right-of-Way”. It’s more like - whoever gets squished first loses. I think it’s part of the communist thinking - everyone has the same rights so nobody has more of a right to go first, no matter what mode of transportation they are using or what color the traffic light is.

3. They don’t let a little word like “No” discourage them. “You need watch?” No. “Watch?” No. “Rolex?”  No. “Pan-a-roy?” No. “You need bag?” No. “Voo-ton?”  No. “Loo-ee Voo-ton?” No. “Goo-chee?” No. “DVD?”

4. They think vegetarianism is exclusive to Buddhist monks. Advising restaurant staff that I am a vegetarian just got them to bring me more vegetables with meat. I’d like to point out to all of China that jellyfish is not a fruit, and that sea cucumber is a HUGE misnomer.

5. Proofreading is not a necessary skill.

6. Public areas, such as parks, are NOT to be enjoyed by the public. The rules for what you can’t do in a park is very long and inclusive. (There’s a picture of them below.)

They DO believe in excellent customer service, pretty good food, lots of shopping, friendly people, late hours, driving fast, strong work ethic, cool temples and gardens, the best massages anywhere, and cheap prices for everything except what gets imported.

Some of my favorite moments in China occur when our Chinese friend John negotiates prices with vendors. They really YELL at each other - John wags his finger at them and acts very insulted. And then they give us 50% off and all is well. It’s not a good sale unless buyer and seller scream at each other in defense of their families, living and deceased, whose very honor is threatened by the price of a counterfeit watch. They are very serious about honor. And a good discount.

Going from China to Japan was like taking ritalin.

In Japan, Order and Politeness seem to be the main objectives at all times:

1. Where China had the no-right-of-way issue, Japan has dividers in the sidewalks so that everyone keeps to their left. That way, no one bumps into each other. Of course, I’m a stupid American and I kept walking on the right, against the flow of pedestrians.

2. Talking is kept to a precise volume of 45 decibels, which is exactly between loud whispering and quiet speaking. This creates an eerie “white noise” kind of sound in all public areas.

3. Every salesperson in every store greets every customer the same way - “Sumi Masen! Irashaimasu!” (Excuse me, thank you, and welcome!) which sounds like “Sumi maseeeeeh! Blah-blah-blah-maseeeeeh!” (In China, they have their own standard greeting: “You want? I have! I have!” I appreciate the English, but not the aggression. )

4. Order and Politeness in Japan means that blowing your nose in public is one of the rudest things you could do. And I have allergies. I quietly and quickly blew my nose in my hotel room when the maid was doing turn down service and she jumped and glared at me. My feeling on the matter is: it’s MY room. I can blow my nose and Emil can walk around without pants on. If you don’t like it - don’t do the turn down service! This sort of issue is one of the more annoying things about Japan. In China, baby clothes have a hole in the butt area - and there are no diapers. Me blowing my nose in public was the least of anyone’s troubles.

5. For all their quiet dignity - Japanese people are dirty! Not like, dirt dirty - like sex dirty! The English songs they play in the trendier stores made me blush! They are well-known for their sexy anime. The newest craze in desserts is the Tokyo Bust Pudding. I’ll let you google “bust pudding” on your own. I don’t want to be responsible for posting such pictures on my blog.

6. Why have 1 person do a customer-service job when you can have 6 people do it together? We were greeted by at least 4 porters at the lobby of our hotel every day - 2 people to hold the door and at least 2 more to say “Good morning, Mr. and Mrs. Rensing. Do you need a cab this afternoon? Can I give you walking directions then? Would you like a parasol for some shade?” (I assume they adopted this “no-means-maybe” idea from the Chinese.)

7. Every activity needs to have its own song. Train doors open - a trill of notes plays. Train doors close - a different trill plays. Elevator goes up - it’s the elevator-goes-up song. Elevator goes down - you get the idea. Little jingly songs play all the time, everywhere. Even the toilets play songs. I’m not kidding.

The other weird thing that is common to both China and Japan - It’s HOT and HUMID and everyone is wearing long pants, long sleeves, and often sweaters. I was dying in tank tops and jeans. I just learned a little tidbit of information about Asian people - they have fewer sweat glands than Caucasians. It’s true. I heard it on Oprah. (I watch the 2am rebroadcast of Oprah so that no one can accuse me of sitting on the couch all afternoon watching Oprah. The cure for insomnia, btw - Oprah.)

Ok, this blog is long enough. I guess I’ll end with a few words of advice if you plan to travel to China or Japan: Take lots of pictures, be on the lookout for engrish, always carry toilet paper in your purse, and start taking Cipro preemptively.

What’s the point of going to the park if I can’t do my laundry and spread anti-goverment propaganda?

We have gone too far in this country.

If people from either the past or the future visited this moment - the past people would be terrified of what was to come and the future people would be angry at what our mistakes have done to them. Of course they would have to go to Staples to fully appreciate the magnitude of this marker in our history.

Specifically, the pen section. (I meant “marker” literally!) While I was searching for a new purple pen the other day, I noticed a recent advancement in the world of pens. The “share guard.” Sorry, what? I picked up a box and read closer: “New! Antibacterial Share Guard Technology!” and there was a diagram of a close-up of the pen with little germ-dots being deflected off of it.

Oh joyous day! The world is safe again for SHARING PENS thanks to the Nobel Prize-worthy engineering feat of this rubber Share Guard!

I had to shake my head in shame for our country. Antibacterial pens? Pens?! We have crossed a line - a line that was probably drawn with a diseased pen.

We are seconds away from having fully functional hazmat decontamination showers at the entrances to our homes. It’s coming soon. I already know people who have antibacterial handiwipes on tables inside their front doors.

Now I have taken both Microbiology and Parasitology classes as recently as 5 years ago. I may not be an expert, but I know a thing or two about germs and bugs. Unless some kind of super-bacteria has risen up and formed their own nation in the past 5 years, I think the following lessons of survival are still valid. If you can stick to these main points, you will probably go about your everyday activities without contracting anything really terrible. These are the 5 things you need to remember:

1. Public toilet seats will not give you diseases since the ass cheeks are among the cleanest parts of the body and urine is sterile. You are more likely to pick up something from the lock on the stall door. Stop freaking out about the toilet seat. (So ladies - you can stop hover-peeing. You get pee on the seat and those of us who can’t hover don’t appreciate this. Even though, as I said, urine is sterile - I don’t want to have to wipe yours off the seat. If you must hover, please wipe the seat afterwards. It’s just bad manners.)

2. Don’t eat the lettuce in airplane meals. Ever.

3. Don’t walk barefoot on a farm (you’l get hookworm) but out in your yard and on your sidewalk is generally ok. (not the sidewalks in NYC. Ew.)

4. If you ever buy clothing or bed linens from a second hand store, wash them in HOT water and dry them in a HOT dryer before you put them on your body or let them touch anything you own. Or get them dry-cleaned. (Body lice can live in clothing and linens for a week)

5. Don’t put your shoes on the coffee table or any place else where you might later put food.

Those 5 rules aside, if you create too sterile an environment, you are going to get sick. Germs are like those “obligatory friends” we all have - we really don’t like them but we have to come in contract with them every so often because avoiding them causes more problems in the long run. Our immune system needs the practice of everyday germs or we’d be completely out of shape when the nastier ones come around. All of this antibacterial gunk we slather on ourselves kills GOOD bacteria, you know. We need good bacteria. They are the “buffer friends” we bring along to dinner to help make the “obligatory friends” more bearable.

This antibacterial campaign makes me suspicious anyhow. Who is behind it? The drug companies - betting on our weakening immune systems and subsequent need for more and more drugs? Terrorist groups - hoping we will become too scared to leave our hermetically sealed homes - leaving the streets empty and ready for an occupation? Or IS there a super-bacterial race that has come to power in this country. (Come to think of it - bacteria multiply using binary fission. For example: We had one President George Bush - now we have two President George Bushes! Hm…)

Personally, I don’t share my pens much anyway. I have always had my own pen at work and I have girly purple pens at home that Emil won’t use. It’s not that I’m afraid of pen germs; I’m just stingy.

I also don’t use antibacterial soap. I don’t get flu shots. And I don’t carry handiwipes or bottles of hand sanitizer in my car or purse since I generally don’t touch things that would require me to immediately scrub and disinfect my hands. I mean - I live in the suburbs and I run errands during the day. I’m not stealing bodies from cemeteries or rummaging through the county dump. Are you? Why the hand sanitizer? What did we do BEFORE hand sanitizer came out? Were people dropping dead in the streets after shopping in the grocery store? Were there outbreaks of childhood leprosy from petting strange neighborhood dogs? And how did we ever think it was possible to have a snack at the beach without benefit of a full-arm handiwipe bath?

I’m livin’ on the edge, I tell ya! It’s risky to wash one’s hands with regular soap and get by sans air purifier in an otherwise really clean home. But, I also don’t have allergies and I rarely get sick.

And I always know where my pen is, germy as it may be.