Keriosity

Autumn is in full swing out here in Southern California. I guess. It’s hard to tell, really.

When I decided to move here from the east coast, people asked me if I would miss the seasons. Autumn is my favorite season - and part of me misses it very much, but another part of me is enjoying how Southern Californians attempt to integrate “autumn” into what is really just a prolonged summer.

First of all - some trees here do change color and lose their leaves. Not many, but there are a few and their leaves all turn tannish brown. Without seeing them in a bunch of fellow trees whose leaves change to rich colors and fall gracefully to the ground, these deciduous loners lack context - they just appear to be drying up and dying. The other oddity about seeing these random trees is that their leaves are not left on the ground to be picturesque and autumny. Landscaping is such a big thing here, so the leaves are immediately raked up and taken away. There are just these half-naked browning trees here and there and it’s not very pretty or fall-like. Further pondering of this travesty has lead me to the conclusion that it really is for the best that these leaves are taken away. With the arrival of Fall comes the rainy season, which means several weeks of remembering how to drive in wet conditions - so I’m not sure that the addition of wet leaves into the scenario is such a good idea.

One of my favorite examples of the Southern California manufactured Autumn is this “pumpkin patch” that suddenly appeared off of the 405 freeway in Huntington Beach. One day I noticed a sign that said “Pick Ur Own Pumpkins!” and there was a plowed “field” with about 2 dozen rows of neatly scattered pumpkins, as if they had been growing there all along, when in fact, that pumpkin patch had been a grassy resting place for junky cars just the week before. I guess the sign means “pick out ur own pumpkins!” because there is no way those things grew in a week.

As far as decorating for fall, there are colored artificial leaves and pumpkins, festive gourds and Indian corn all around. This is all well and good, but the palm trees and flip flops kind of kill the seasonal illusion that everyone is trying so hard to create. It’ll get worse as the winter nears. The only real differences between fall and winter in Southern California is that fake snowy things replace fake harvesty things, and the girls start wearing uggs with their miniskirts and tank tops.

So do I miss the seasons? Apparently, I can have whatever “season” I want with enough decorations and credulity. I think I’ll start replacing Thanksgiving with Easter, since I prefer eating chocolate bunnies to dead turkeys. I might also do Christmas in August - to get it out of the way early and avoid the chaos of holiday shopping. Besides, I think I’d feel better about Christmas shopping in shorts and flip flops if it was actually summer.

Here is my house in Summer:

Here is my house in Autumn:

I may be wrong about this, but I’m guessing this will be my house in Winter:

It doesn’t suck - that’s for sure.

I’m bored. So very bored. Emil went to NY today and I have nothing to do. My friends are working. I’m mad at my pets right now so I don’t want to hang out with them. It’s raining. I’ve already been to Target this morning. I went to the movies and saw Neverland with three other strangers at 2:00 in the afternoon. Now I’m sitting on the sofa watching the news. There is nothing to do.

The big news stories of the day, by the way : The rain and the earthquake in Manhattan Beach that no one felt. The rain, of course, is HUGE news. They cut in every 10 minutes to check the Doppler. I saw rain footage before that the reporter was describing as “coming down in sheets”. Sheets? No. I guess this is pretty bad rain for around here, but it’s really just normal rain. (I’m just glad that I don’t have to walk 6 blocks to the subway, getting splashed along the way by big trucks hitting potholes filled with sludge.) I am happy for the weather guy today - it’s his day to shine. He actually said on the air the other day that he was bored. That’s how nice the weather had been for several days.

This always occurs to me when I watch the news on a day like today:

Will we ever get to a point where reporters no longer have to be OUTSIDE in the pouring rain, blizzard, hurricane, or stifling heat to do stories on how terrible the weather is? Can’t we use green screens for this sort of thing? We have windows. We know it’s terrible outside - why do we need a live person getting soaking wet and blown half-way across the street to believe it? It’s so mean, isn’t it?! Who did THESE people piss off? Aren’t there interns for jobs like this? Why are seasoned reporters doing the “it’s raining sheets!” stories?

And how many times in NY are they going to have THIS stupid story: “New Yorkers are preparing for the big snow storm that’s going to hit our area. This local man went to Home Depot this morning to stock up. Sir? What did you buy today for the storm? ‘Well, I thought I should get a shovel. And I bought some rock salt for the front steps.’ Yes it seems that he’s not the only one buying shovels and rock salt. It’s going to be quite a storm!” Really? Shovels and rock salt are being purchased in the winter before the snow?! Wow, what a scoop! This story is repeated before each snowflake falls every winter and it is immediately followed by the story that Penny Marshall reports live from the city salt facility on the West Side Highway, assuring us that the salt trucks will be out and they will have plenty of salt. We get it - shovels and salt.

So here I am, stuck inside, with a cat who won’t stop peeing on the carpet, a dog who won’t stop barking at noises and two other cats who I’m just mad at because they associate with the pee-er and the barker. *sigh* I guess I’ll give myself a pedicure and read my new book. It could be worse. If I were having a day like this in NY, I’d be bored and cold.

(Sunny and 65)

The manager from the storage facility called me this morning to see how everything went yesterday with the movers because he wasn’t on duty and he wanted to make sure the space was sufficient, the FREE shelves worked out ok, etc.

OK - That’s it! I have to know - what is going on?! Is there a pamphlet you get when you fill out your W2 in California about standards and practices in the customer service industry? Do you get threatened for not being helpful and nice? Is there a customer service mafia working the area? Do legs get broken if someone’s frown isn’t turned upside-down?

Does California have regular meetings or something? “Ok people - we have to improve our customer service! I can’t stress that enough! Jenkins, the way you handled that dirty lattice situation last week was stellar! I want each of you to take a minute to read about it in the Employee Of The Week section of the current newsletter. We should all strive to be like this!”

Even as I write this…it’s 10:06 and my delivery that is scheduled for between 10-2 is here. And and and…”Oh, no - I can’t accept a tip for carrying this massive headboard up the stairs! It’s my job, Ma’am.” AAAAAAAHHHH! Please! Take it! Just take it! And sneer at me! Please! For the love of gooooooddddddd!

This is like living with the Stepford service industry. I can’t take it. Somewhere, I’ll bet in Irvine, there’s a factory pumping out these cyborgs. And one day, they will turn on us. (Gasp! It will be just like that awful movie with Will Smith that Emil and I walked out of! I have no idea how it ended, so how will we stop them?!)

(Sunny and 66)

OMG it’s so great! The weather has mostly been beautiful. The people here are super nice. Especially the salespeople! I’ve never been offered so much help carrying things to my car. Ever. Nor have I ever been turned down when offering money to someone for helping me! Can you imagine any of this happening in NY?:

1. Home Depot: I needed plastic lattice to make a dog gate for Milhous - and the end pieces were dirty with rust and runny paint from the shelves they were on, due to the inordinate amount of rain they’ve been having here. When my dad and I pointed it out to the salesmen and asked if they had clean ones, they apologized profusely, searched the store for new ones, called around to other stores in the area to see if they had clean ones, tried to clean the dirty ones with a scrubby sponge and cleaner, then offered to give us the cleaner and sponge for free since they worked. Then, when we were on our way to the register with the dirty end pieces and free sponge and cleaner, they came by with a new package of spotless end pieces that they had found in the back. In NY - we would have immediately been met with a “No, these are all we have.” End of story. Or possibly a “Yo, Tony - we got any more of these in stock?” “No Bill, that’s all we got.” - to confirm the story. Because they work in cahoots, those lazy store people.

2. Gelson’s (supermarket): First of all - at 8pm, I was the only person in the store. Four people asked me if I needed help finding anything. The bag boy asked if I had checked my eggs to see if they had cracks and if they were properly positioned in the carton. I said “uh, well I checked for cracks”. He proceeded to cheerfully check each egg for cracks and correctly turn each one so whatever side is supposed to be up was up. I was so surprised that I didn’t pay attention so I have no idea which is the correct “up” side. Then he offered to walk me to my car since it was dark out and the parking lot was desolate and asked if I needed help loading the bags into my car. Now I was getting offended. I can only take so much niceness in my first week. “No thank you.” I politely said - but really I was thinking “Lookit here, buddy! I’m from New York City. I ward off muggers and rapists every day! I certainly don’t need YOUR help getting to my car here in zero-crime-rate newport beach - ok? Now why don’t you go back to checking the eggs and I’ll go load up my car.” (meanwhile…I was totally on my guard out in the parking lot…more on my paranoia in a later post.) In NY, the bag boy, if there had been one at all, may have noticed that I was alone and the street was desolate (what parking lot?) - and he may have offered to help me to the car, but only to create a distraction with all the confusion of helping me load up the car so he could help himself to my wallet in my purse.

3. Crate and Barrel: Not only did the salespeople nicely wrap all of our new dishes and kitchen supplies into boxes with neat little handles, but they gave Emil directions of how to get the car from way over on the other side of the mall to their door, and told me to flag them down when he got there so they could help me carry out the “heavy” boxes so that Emil wouldn’t have to actually park and risk getting a ticket in the no parking zone. In NY - I’ve left Crate and Barrel struggling with boxes and bags without the guard even helping me open the door. (That’s right, non-New Yorkers.. There are security guards in the stores in NYC.)

4. Every delivery that I’ve scheduled with a time “window” -ex: between 1:00pm-4:00pm, has been either EARLY or right on time! None of this - 4:15pm or exactly 3:59pm crap that I’d get in NY. It’s SO nice to have deliveries and other appointments (cable guy, etc.) be early so I can get on with my day!

There are so many more examples. Every store I’ve been to has had wonderful, helpful employees - I can’t believe people are like this! While I’m enjoying all this friendliness, I’m distrustful. Why is everyone so nice? Obviously they are not out for money, because they won’t accept tips when I offer it.

It’s going to take some getting used to, this new, friendly, relaxed environment. I’ll have to learn to trust that people here will be nice right off the bat, (whether they mean it or not is to be determined.) I’ll have to learn not to have my death-glare at the ready. I have to learn not to walk so fast and cut people off (walking! not even driving!). But so far, having had my coffee and cereal (which is LESS than $6 a box here!) out on my patio every morning and it’s March - I’m not missing NY so much. Other than my family and friends, of course.

So the real question is…which is better financially? CA - where there are great salespeople who make me want to shop (those who know me know - I am not a big shopper), or NY - where my wallet might just as well get stolen anyhow. Hm…something to think about.