Keriosity

No, you’ve not traveled backwards in time - I rewrote this essay for a writing contest, and I like this version much better. I hope you do to:

The #1 Most Evolved Species On Earth is, of all things, the Seahorse! I mean, it hasn’t been made official or anything. But after reading about them in Wikipedia, I have realized that, at the very least, seahorses are more highly evolved than humans. Here’s why:

When a male seahorse and a female seahorse become quite fond of one other and decide it’s time to start a family, it’s the MALE seahorse who gets “pregnant”. The female seahorse deposits her eggs into the male, and then promptly leaves the scene. (Males of the human species might be familiar with this sort of behavior.) The male seahorse fertilizes the eggs by some process I’m not aware of because once Wikipedia started explaining that it involves his snout, I stopped reading. Some private things should just stay private - the fact that male seahorses use their own snouts to fertilize themselves is definitely one of those things. Anyway - HE carries the growing fetuses and gives birth to thousands of tiny seafoals, as I’m sure they’re called, while SHE is at the sandbar having a cocktail.

How did she manage this genius arrangement? Since seahorse pregnancies only last 2 weeks, it probably wasn’t a hard sell. One day, a seamare got fed-up and told her mate that she would no longer nag him about seastallion-nights-out if he would be the one to deal with the morning sickness and the stretch marks. He replied “So for 2 weeks of mild discomfort, I can get you off my dorsal fin?! Sign me up!” and that changed evolutionary history.

And ever since that critical moment, male seahorses have been hoping for Natural Selection to intervene so they can mutate a leg with which to kick themselves.

Wikipedia also mentions that seahorses are monogamous. It seems that once the MALES have to struggle with losing the baby weight, monogamy is a big priority to them! Seahorses are appearing more evolved by the minute.

Polygamy is the norm in the animal kingdom - usually with good reason. Species survival depends on strong population numbers and healthy bloodlines, therefore “spreading the seed” of the stronger males is crucial.

Sometimes, with dogs for example, it is more of a physical, biological instinct than a species survival technique- as evidenced by the fact that there hasn’t been a single case of a sofa cushion giving birth to puppies.

In fact, the “biological instinct” excuse is often used by human males to explain their carousing, which is why the “men are dogs” theory is entirely their own fault. True…there is at least one biological effect that happens to a man when he is attracted to a woman, but that is not a justification for behaving like an animal. And the only instinct he should be concerned with is the one that tells him he will be “in the doghouse” for letting biology get the best of him.

If men were as evolved as seahorses, they’d realize that.

Note: “Pouch (only in male)”

I have thought this thought for a long time - and I am finally ready to share it:

The tragic death of Steve Irwin makes us overlook the fact that Bindi is one strange looking child. I know that at least a few of us have this same thought when we see her on TV: “Yeesh that’s an ugly little gir- WAIT! I can’t think that! It’s too mean! Her father died! And she’s actually sort of cute.” Sure she is…in a wombat kind of way.

What? Too cruel? Ok fine - she looks more like a vampire bat. That better?

My ability to embarrass myself hits another sickening milestone.

So last week, I got an email from Emil that said “Enjoy!” and contained a link to a website. The website had a list of the first 50 years of Playboy centerfolds - clickable links to the photos starting with December 1953 (Marilyn Monroe) and ending with July 2004 (some tramp.)

Why he sent it to me is not important to the story - what is important is that I was in the middle of doing about 20 different things when the email came in. Once I saw it had to do with Playboy, I forwarded it to my friend Randy, which is what I do every time someone sends me a racy email. Normally, I include some sort of saucy comment to go with the racy email, but this time, I was in such a rush that I didn’t put any message. Just forwarded it to him robotically.

As it got whooshed from of my outbox and sent on its racy way, I realized that I didn’t send it to my friend Randy. I sent it to Randy The Realtor who was coming to my house the next day.*

oh….god….

I wish someone would program a voice recognition widgit for email applications so that if you hit “send” and immediately shout an expletive, it stops sending the email immediately. Like a 5-second FCC delay - but for email. It can’t be a complicated drop-down menu and click on three things - because when something like this happens, you don’t have the mental wherewithal to do anything but grab both sides of your head and curse.

Anyway…

Once I exhausted my list of known curse-words and made up a few new ones, I let go of my head and immediately sent an apology email - I am SO sorry, that was meant for my friend Randy, I am really embarrassed, please disregard that last email, wow am I embarrassed, etc.

Then it occurred to me that I should really see how bad the damage was. I went back to the website, but instead of clicking on some of the earlier centerfolds as I had already done (the old centerfolds are rather classy and artistic) I scrolled down the page, which revealed actual photos, not links. Large recent photos of unclassy and unartistic nakedness. My stomach started to hurt. Then I saw a link on the top of the page for “Gallery 2″, which contained even more nakedness that was even more unclassy. And now, Randy the Realtor knows thinks that I “Enjoy!” such material. And he is probably wondering why I would send that to him the day before our meeting. “Hey, Randy - there’s more of this over at my house! See you tomorrow…” Oh the awful repercussions are just endless.

I doubted that my email was sufficient damage control. If I had checked the website first, I would have sent an email that said something along the lines of “Ooops, I meant to send that to Reverend Randy who runs the ‘Christians Against Nakedness Except When It’s Necessary For Procreation’ watchdog group, of which I am an avid member.”

Randy the Realtor either doesn’t check his email, or he is the epitome of good manners because he sent no reply and did not even acknowledge my unthinkable blunder when I saw him the next day. At least someone in this situation has some class.

As embarrassing as this was, it could have been much much worse:

Why yes, those are handcuffs attached to her bedpost - forever documented in the Weekend Shopper and now immortalized on the internet. (click on the pic to enlarge) I love her oblivious smile.

*do not panic. we are not selling our house.

Yet another fad diet has hit the masses - the “What Would Jesus Eat” Diet. The theory is that Jesus ate natural foods, no preservatives, little meat or sugar, and thus, he and the disciples were all thin and fit. I guess we are ignoring the fact that in those days, people had a habit of taking 40-year walks through the desert, so obviously exercise had something to do with it.

Also, how do we know everyone was thin and fit in biblical times? We have no photographs from back then. We have some paintings, but paintings are really just old versions of Photoshop. That’s why no one in a painting has cellulite, zits, or crow’s feet. And judging by all the flying fat kids and mysterious halos that were so prevalent in religious art - I’d say they weren’t exactly reliable sources of factual information.

Anyway - getting back to the Jesus Diet - it consists of bread, fruits and vegetables, nuts, beans, wine, and fish. Replace “fish” with “cheese” and you basically have MY diet. It’s nothing special. Were it not for the wonders of microwave cookery and chocolate, I would be quite bored at mealtime. Jesus was also Kosher, so there’s that factor to the Jesus Diet. You’d need to cut out all shrimp, crab, and pork - but you can load up on grasshoppers and crickets, since they are Kosher and Jesus-approved. In fact, if you really want to lose some weight, go on the John The Baptist Diet. All-you-can-eat locusts and honey. I’d be dead in a week. But noticeably thinner.

To follow the WWJE Diet, there is a cookbook you can buy. The “What Would Jesus Eat” Cookbook. I imagine it’s a very short book and most recipes start with “Take 5 loaves of bread and 2 small fish…” Also, you’d need to severely adjust the recipes unless you plan to have a dinner party for 5000 of your closest friends.

The other touted benefit of the Jesus Diet is that it will prevent disease. Ok, I think the Bible clearly demonstrates that to prevent or cure a disease back then, you needed a Miracle. Not a piece of bread and an olive. Around Jesus’ hood, there were cases of lameness, blindness, hemophilia, idiopathic muteness, paralysis, epilepsy, and the ever-popular leprosy. Jesus went around healing people left and right - there were a LOT of sick people! And most of them probably ate the same things Jesus ate. So I don’t buy the “disease prevention” claim of this diet.

Why do we assume that old-fashioned dietary habits were so healthy? Since the introduction of over-processed, genetically altered, and “what-the-hell-is-that-ingredient?” foods, life expectancy of humans has risen dramatically, and it continues to rise. Today’s average lifespan is 3 times as long as it was in Jesus’ day. I am tired of hearing people justify what they eat by saying things like “I eat meat and potatoes - a hundred years ago, that’s what people ate!” A hundred years ago, people didn’t know that eating certain foods would eventually lead to heart disease and/or cancer because everyone usually just died of diphtheria when they were 25. That’s IF they survived childhood.

Personally, I like to strike a balance between natural foods like fruit and whole grains with processed foods like Entenmann’s chocolate covered donuts. I should publish the “What Would Keri Eat” Cookbook. Like Jesus’ cookbook, mine would be quite short, but most of my recipes would start with “Pour a glass of red wine and go to www.delivery.com…” None of my recipes would call for insects of any kind, and while my diet may not be considered “spiritual”, I do hear heavenly angel music whenever I unwrap a Cadbury Creme Egg.

And so far, I haven’t gotten leprosy or diphtheria, so I think I’m on the right track.